Blog Moved

So I decided to move to WordPress... Erm... Just because... These old blog posts will still be here and also in my new blog.

Thank you Blogger, it has been a great many years.

My Rants

Bla bla bla.. Seriously.. I've realized many of my posts are me and my emotions going kapow kapow! If this goes any further I'll have to rename of my blog to "The Ranting Blog, welcome to Jacquelina's rants".

I know, I know, I complain, a lot. But it's better to write it out, let it out, and cringe at it many years from now, than keep it all in and one day either go cuckoo or kaboom!

Currently 6am, -13 Fahrenheit. Fingers and toes are still as frozen as icicles. Welcome to Minnesota Jacquelina.

Adventure

7:30am, my alarm rang, but I was already up for more than 2 hours. By now, my brain was already wide awake. Well, that's because, I woke up at 5am, disorientated and lost, wondering for a moment where I was. It dawned on me that I am in America now, which is thousands of miles away from home.

Staring at the ceiling, I tried to get more sleep. Something that I've done every night felt completely impossible right now. It was probably my insomnia again or it could just be the jet lag or maybe the fact that every part of my life was set on replay in my mind at that very moment, which brings me back to the first conclusion, insomnia, yet not quite. As the song of my life replays in my head, I tried to sleep, again. Nope, not working.

Most of the replays are about the last few months or even moments spent at home before starting the long journey. I remember I was in a kind of freak out mode. How does one get used to these sudden climate changes and lifestyle? What if things don't work out? Will I ever see you again? Etc. I was so scared. Yet now that I am experiencing it, it doesn't feel as scary as I think it is. We all fear the unknown, yet it stirs in us a weird excitement for adventure.

I guess it isn't insomnia after all, it's that excitement for adventures that woke me and kept me up. It was also the thing that has brought me brought me out from fear to here. On this bed, so close to the ceiling, trying to sleep at 5am, in the cold, cold Minnesota, wide awake from the thirst for more adventures and fears of the unknowns. Waiting for the sun to rise and the day to start. It's going to be a good day.

The Joy of a Promise Fulfilled

There are certain energies little children bring with them. Enthusiasm, excitement, but my favorite among these is that joy they bring to you.

I visit the same house 3 times before this little joy came along. The first time when I was 10, another 2 times when I was 16 and 18. For all these years, every time I visited, the house looks the same, smells the same and everything is functioning the same way, even the daily schedule.

However, after these many years, when I visited again this time, the craziest thing happened. A little girl came along with her parents to pick me up. There were toys everywhere in the house and things were definitely upside down and a little disorientated. But the most obvious difference is the crazy joy that tiny little girl spreads around whenever she walks around that house.

The joy of a promise fulfilled is so wonderful, even if the promise took many years. God is good. 

Some Years Ago

You know how you have like a group on Facebook and you create another just for the people who manage the group? Well, apparently that was what happened for my youth group. We had a group for the Youth Fellowship and also a group for the Youth Fellowship Committees. (We now have a page too but let's not get into that yet)That group was created in January 2012 and the last post was October of the same year. It could be called a dead group, because 6 out of 9 people in that group is no longer in the committee. And we, the committee don't even discuss through that group any more. But the information of 2012 still remains there.

Facebook, you are one sick bank of information.

I accidentally opened that dead group instead of the one I wanted to open today.Because they had the same name besides that it has the word "Committee" at the far far end. So since I was already here and the page has already loaded, thought I'd scroll through, because why not? It's Facebook after all. And as I began to reread every single post and comment and likes and every detail there is to offer, I realized what when wrong. Well, at least where I went wrong. And to be frank, it was a lot of things. 

1. Empty Commitment

It wasn't that I wasn't committed, I just didn't really understand what it meant to be committed at that time. No one clearly explained to me what it was and how to react to it. I was like every other youth, just being committed "only-when-I-have-time". The committee would always have one or two or half missing because of the classic "I-can't-make-it" or "I'm-busy". Yet what I know now about commitment is to either change the time to suit everybody or make yourself free. It took me 3 years to learn that.

2. Empty Enthusiasm

I am a person just pumped with enthusiasm most of the time. And about 2 or 3 years ago my enthusiasm level was infinity. But this was problem? A little enthusiasm can't hurt right? But a lot might. Especially when I am so enthusiastic about something unrealistic. And when someone comes in to do a reality check, it's kind of a bumper. It gives people the impression that it can be done and the person coming in to stop us as the bad guy. But really, they are just more practical to think whether such things are possible before going all "I-fully-support-you".

3. Empty Promises

I hate these, and hate to admit that I, too am guilty of committing what I hate. Many empty promises, many knots left untied, and a burden to the others to clean up the mess. (And I really don't feel like writing about this because I still do make some even now)

4. Empty Efforts
There is a difference between serving God and serving man. Serving man can also mean serving yourself, because you want all the glory and fame and recognition. Serving God is giving him all that glory and fame and recognition. And most of my efforts those few years ago was either to please someone or to satisfy my own thirst for attention.

I continue reading through and finally reached the end of the group posts. So many mistakes, so many information that I don't want to be reminded of. There were many more flaws but the main ones were just these. Can't really believe that it has been so many years of learning and growth, of trying and failing and trying again. And I would totally wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now.But this is all wishful thinking and the past will always be the past. Its existence serves a purpose, to remind us of what we have learn throughout the years.

And Anna, you are one awesome person for not deleting that group. *pokes*