I never knew I could draw

My right hand was sweaty from gripping the mouse too tight, butt aches from sitting down so long, and every joint cracks when I stand up; just to produce drawings like these. These were all made myself with Sketchbook Pro, and with a mouse! Not drawing pad... As you know, or can tell, I blog when I am severely depressed and get totally refreshed and inspired to live again. Same goes to these drawings, I was completely stressed out, and I drew these, and inspired myself.. Great going Jacquelina! *pats my own shoulder*

This is the first drawing I did, and I had to go through many trials and errors.
It took an eternity to complete. But here it is, The Angel.
"I will never forget that there are protectors all around me, to keep me from harm."

I was inspired by Shane Koyczan's poem "To this Day".
And decided to draw this because "I, too, was bullied." 

This was inspired by Tenth Avenue North's song, Struggle.
I didn't understand what it meant at first, but when the revelation came,
I drew out what I understood.
It is also my first time drawing a hand,
and had to learn some basic anatomy to get the ratio right.
"Living everyday is a struggle because of the rat race.
But be glad we are free to struggle,
instead of struggling every moment to be free"

This was a beautiful failure. At first I wanted to draw a piano,
then I accidentally erased it with the soft eraser then I used the bucket to fill the colors back in.
Turns out it makes a very nice cracked effect.
"No matter how broken a vessel we are,
we will always be able to find restoration through worship." 

I was worn. I felt like a soldier, tired from battling life.
And then, I heard this song. Again, by Tenth Avenue north.
The helmet and sword was the hardest to draw,
but after drawing it out, it left me with nothing but satisfaction.
"We will be worn one day, but all that is dead inside, can be reborn"

Forgiven?

Where am I? What happened? Was it real? I wondered. My whole body was shivering but I was not feeling cold at all, my legs were numb. I couldn’t think properly, the last half an hour was a blur to me. A nurse came in and gave me a jab on my waist, the shivering became a lot more vigorous at the pain of the jab but slowed down after the fluid ran around my blood stream. Tranquilizers, I thought to myself. It did its job, I wish it didn't because I was calm but only artificially and the scariest thing was that I could think again. Yes, it did happen. And everything seems clear now. EVERYTHING.

I went through shock from the moment I got on the car that was heading to the hospital until now. And here I am, lying on a hospital bed in the emergency ward. Then, I heard the sound that might haunt me for the rest of my life from the bed beside me. A curtain was separating us, but I knew you were there, the only sense I remember in my shock state. The sound you made with pain in your voice when the doctors or nurses were cleaning your wounds and examining you, it shook my heart, soul, and body with the same resonating waves in pain together with you. And then…

I woke up. I literally jumped upright and woke up. I covered my face with my hands to relief me from shock. And as I was gasping for air, I could feel palpitations in my chest. I took in long, deep breathes to calm myself down. It’s not the first time I’m having this dream. I looked around and realized I was in my university hostel, my roommate still sound asleep. It’s been awhile since this dream came back to haunt me. I took another deep breath and let the frosty cold air freeze my lungs. It’s a cold night and I could hear the rain failing. I felt an aching in my left chest, I wonder if it’s my old injury from that incident or if it’s my heart. I get reminded every time of what happened when my chest hurts like that.  And when I’m sitting in my own car at the left back seat, I touch the back head rest of the seat in front of me, wondering if life would have been different if I never existed.

Then, I ask myself the question: How do you forgive yourself? Even after I made up my mind to… How do you know when you have fully forgiven yourself? Over and over I ask myself but the answer never seems to come. 

The Diminishers

There are always those people in life who, no matter how well you treat them, they feel like you owe them everything in the world. 
There are always those people in life who, no matter how hard you try, will always, always, always, tear all your efforts down with just a sentence, within seconds. These people are those that we hate, A LOT. They are what I call the "Diminishers" in life. 

Every single time, they just break you down, coldly; without even a second thought. Not even realizing it themselves. "Your problems are not problems, only my problems are real problems" might not be what they say literally but their actions says it all. They are like narcissists, but worse: to boast themselves up, they push you further down. They step on you so hard, yet you let them. They make you feel worthless and make you think that there is nothing you can do without them. 

Broken down, torn apart, bleeding wounds. You try to smile and say it's okay, to others and to yourself. But really, is it really okay? Every time they do the same thing over and over and over again, you feel the pain starting again. Not like putting salt on wounds, because even though salt makes your wounds hurt like hell, it helps in healing despite the pain. No, it's not like putting salt on wounds. Far worse, it is like cutting open a wound that has yet to be healed, and driving the knife deeper and deeper, every, single, time. It gets harder and harder to heal. 

When you've had enough, and the volcano is on the verge of erupting. You scream inside of you, your words in my head, your knives in my heart. I had enough! You just can't take it any more. You want to run, you want to hide, you just want to disappear from their sight. You want to scream and shout in their faces, you want to give them two tight slaps. 

BUT.... You stop, breathe, and kneel. With tears in your eyes, you plea. 

"Oh God, I can't... I can't take it any more. How do I love someone who just breaks me down, and tears me apart? All I see is my good efforts going to waste. What use is there to do good any more?" 

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." 
-Ephesians 6:9- 

“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you." 
-Luke 6:27- 

Dear Satan, Do You Not learn?

Dear Satan, 
You tried to get rid of us since FOREVER. From Adam and Eve till now. You tried DECEPTION, PERSECUTION and every harsh and forceful way. UNTIL.... you realized the HARDER you push, we push back EVEN HARDER. So you decided to make us COMFORTABLE. Until we'll let down our guard and be VULNERABLE until when you strike we will FALL. Or so you thought. APPARENTLY, we did just quite the opposite. We became STRONGER each time you attempt your attack. Do you not LEARN? Not to MESS with GOD'S PEOPLE? Don't you know that THE BAD GUY NEVER WINS? 

Sincerely, 
God's beloved child

The Equation

The LOVE from God in heaven gives me the FAITH to believe in the HOPE for tomorrow on earth and to fight the DESPAIR from hell.

DESPAIR<HOPE<FAITH<LOVE