Passion

One foot after another. Everyday. One foot after another. It feels like counting down the seconds from the beginning of class until the class period ends. It ain't that long but because you are constantly counting and aware of time, it feels like forever. Just walking aimlessly, focusing only on putting one feet in front of another, makes life miserable. Not unless you have a goal. But a lot of times, I doubt that I am getting anywhere near it. It feels so far away. But God is good, He gives me constant reminders of my passion for my goal. 

My goal, my centre, my passion was planted in me when I was 16. I still remember that first day, I was just a lost teenager standing in the doorway of a church childcare centre. It wasn't even my church! Everything felt so foreign to me, especially with my "awesome" sense of directions. The first day is always "blur-blur" day, I was just doing what I was told to do. By the end of that first day, my head was filled with names of the kids I desperately tried to remember, my ears ringing with the high pitch voices of the children, legs tired from squatting down and getting to their level when talking to them, to see it from their angle. I was exhausted, completely. But I felt a sudden excitement to go back again tomorrow. And I did, for 2 weeks. It was the happiest time of my life. Playing with children, teaching them, trying to get them to behave even when some of the kids' characters are so strong you feel like shaking them upside down and throwing them out of the window. Especially this little boy named Matthew Lim, he was only 2 but he was the most stubborn one among them. But guess what? Despite these, I still loved them. I loved their innocences, their blunt honesty, their uncomplicated mind even though they have complicated lives.

All of it sounds amazing, but that fire that has been burning for 3 years, was running out of fuel. Assignments, deadlines, presentations, finals, repeat. I was tired of life, and wondered what does all these have to do with what I want to do. The moment I started doubting my passion because it seemed like such a complicated pathway to go. I am more towards science and mathematics, I should have just done something to do with it. But I just had to love children so much that I have to choose a humanities course, which is a torture to me. 

Yet, I was reminded to persevere. There is a Children's Camp organized in my university every year by Leo Club. And I thought, I am soooo going! The complicated human beings around me has made me so tired. And I missed kids, a lot! This camp's experience is totally different compared to working. Well, because 1. these kids are orphans, and 2. I take care of a kid, one-to-one; instead of taking care of about 10 kids or whoever is in my sight. I never ever in my life that I felt so attached to one kid, of course besides my little cousins. Even though she didn't understand my language, neither did I understand her's, I was attached to her. She understood my gesture and so did I understand her's, there was a strange connection that was created every moment I hold hands with her. By the end of the camp, she cried. I held it in, and while blinking back my tears, I kept repeating "don't cry", "I love you" in her language. And then, the bus left and I finally started tearing up. 

After it was all over, I kept feeling a little hand holding onto mine. But there was none. It was only a habitual feeling. But then, it came back again, my fuel to continue, my love for children and their precious little life. I missed kids, a lot! And I knew it. So my every step brings me closer. Thanks for the reminder, my Old Man.

Thank you Children's Camp, thank you Leo Club, thank you little beloved children. CC10! Hop, hop, shhhhh!

My Heart is Out at Sea (Explained)

This story was written fairly long ago, it was a letter to a friend. Recently, I found it in one corner of my hard drive and thought "Hey! why not post it?"

Read the story here.

And I thought I'll post the explanation too. Most of this was from that letter, some isn't. I took most out of the letter and left some out. And edited it too. Okay, *deep breath* here goes:

Often at times, we feel like the disciples when we are caught in storms. We fight it ourselves at first, then start to panic, then start to worry and cry, and when God comes to help in a form we might not recognize, we call him a ghost?

Well, maybe we should zoom out a bit, when the disciples were in the storm, what was Jesus doing? He was…... Praying? Yeap, that's right! Praying! (v. 23) So, when we’re in the scariest storms, Jesus is interceding for us.

When the storm is the darkest and scariest, He will come to us. Wait, what did I mean by darkest? Well, the fourth watch of night (v. 25) is about 3am? (Since the first watch starts at 6pm and every watch is 3 hours apart.) So it’s kind of like the darkest part of the night or something.

Anyway, He doesn't just come. He comes walking on water! Stepping on all the fears that taunted us. I mean, when you see that God can actually WALK on the WATER, the very thing you were scared of (because in a storm, generally people are scare of the boat capsizing and falling into the sea and drowning), you realized that He has conquered everything and there’s nothing to be afraid of any more!!

And you will feel the need to conquer your fears together with Jesus just as Peter asked to walk on the waters also! Jesus didn't say, “Oh no, you don’t come on the water, it’s for pros like me!” But He said, “Come!” (v. 29) And the best thing is that even if you fail, you can always call out to Him and He’ll catch you! (v. 31)

But wait, why was the disciples in the storm anyway? Well, simply because Jesus sent them (v. 22). They were in the path of the will that God had for them. As long as we are in the will, storms will come but “be of good cheer” and “do not be afraid” (v. 27), because Jesus is always there.

In a conclusion, if we head in the direction that God sent us, storms will definitely come! But be of good cheer because while we fight that storm, Jesus is interceding for us. And when we can no longer fight the storm, He'll come and help us in a form we might not recognize. And when He does, He will crush the fears that once contained us under His feet.

My Heart is Out at Sea

A story from Peter’s perspective based on Matthew 14: 22-31:

I still remember that day as clear as yesterday. The day that I realized, my heart is out at sea:

‘What a day.’ I thought to myself. ‘Did I really see it happen? That Rabbi fed all five thousand people.’ I was still in doubt that my mind might have been playing tricks on me. ‘Rabbi must be very tired. He just hurled us unto the boat without a word and sent us and the crowd away.’ Then, I heard my name.

“Peter! Peter! There’s a storm coming!”

‘A storm? Impossible! How could I, the seasoned fisherman not foresee it?’ True enough, we all got threw into a horrible storm just moments after that thought of mine. Twelve men in a boat being tossed and turn upside down and right side up again.

“Get the buckets! Start scooping the water out of the boat before the boat sinks!”
I shouted on the top of my lungs to whoever that could hear me. The storm just seemed to get worst. I’ve never seen anything like it all my years as a fisherman.

“We’re all going to die!”

I couldn't remember why I was so frighten until I would exclaim such things, but these were the exact words that put us all into doubt, fear, and dismay. Soon, we were all paralysed with it. Not only did this storm drench us to our bones but it has also dampened the spirit within us.

I saw something approaching from the corner of my eye, it was so white, and it was walking on water, what else could it be but a… a… “It is a ghost!” Someone shouted before my brain could tell me so.

“Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” The person called out to us.

‘That voice, oh that familiar voice! How soothing it is to hear that voice’, but the storm got the better of me; ‘the ghost could be pretending to be him’. Those negative thoughts hung all over my mind. With all the courage I could muster, I replied,

“Lord, since it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”

“Come!” He replied.

So I fixed my gaze on him and I did, I stepped out onto the water, never looking away from him. I did it, I was walking on water! ‘It really is Rabbi! I’m walking on water!’ A wave came out of nowhere, threatening to wash me away and before I knew it, I was lost my gaze on Rabbi and I was sinking.

“Lord, save me!” And immediately Rabbi pulled me out of the water.

“You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

That storm, it was crazy, it was intense, it was frightening, and it was intimidating. But I’d do it all over again. If that was what made me see God, I’ll go through it over and over again just to be able to have a glance of God. If being in the oceans and seas where my feet and my physical body may fail me will lead me to see the face of God, I’ll do it over and over and over again. I can surely say, my heart is out at sea.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior."

-Hillsongs, Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)-

Read the explanation here. 

I never knew I could draw

My right hand was sweaty from gripping the mouse too tight, butt aches from sitting down so long, and every joint cracks when I stand up; just to produce drawings like these. These were all made myself with Sketchbook Pro, and with a mouse! Not drawing pad... As you know, or can tell, I blog when I am severely depressed and get totally refreshed and inspired to live again. Same goes to these drawings, I was completely stressed out, and I drew these, and inspired myself.. Great going Jacquelina! *pats my own shoulder*

This is the first drawing I did, and I had to go through many trials and errors.
It took an eternity to complete. But here it is, The Angel.
"I will never forget that there are protectors all around me, to keep me from harm."

I was inspired by Shane Koyczan's poem "To this Day".
And decided to draw this because "I, too, was bullied." 

This was inspired by Tenth Avenue North's song, Struggle.
I didn't understand what it meant at first, but when the revelation came,
I drew out what I understood.
It is also my first time drawing a hand,
and had to learn some basic anatomy to get the ratio right.
"Living everyday is a struggle because of the rat race.
But be glad we are free to struggle,
instead of struggling every moment to be free"

This was a beautiful failure. At first I wanted to draw a piano,
then I accidentally erased it with the soft eraser then I used the bucket to fill the colors back in.
Turns out it makes a very nice cracked effect.
"No matter how broken a vessel we are,
we will always be able to find restoration through worship." 

I was worn. I felt like a soldier, tired from battling life.
And then, I heard this song. Again, by Tenth Avenue north.
The helmet and sword was the hardest to draw,
but after drawing it out, it left me with nothing but satisfaction.
"We will be worn one day, but all that is dead inside, can be reborn"

Forgiven?

Where am I? What happened? Was it real? I wondered. My whole body was shivering but I was not feeling cold at all, my legs were numb. I couldn’t think properly, the last half an hour was a blur to me. A nurse came in and gave me a jab on my waist, the shivering became a lot more vigorous at the pain of the jab but slowed down after the fluid ran around my blood stream. Tranquilizers, I thought to myself. It did its job, I wish it didn't because I was calm but only artificially and the scariest thing was that I could think again. Yes, it did happen. And everything seems clear now. EVERYTHING.

I went through shock from the moment I got on the car that was heading to the hospital until now. And here I am, lying on a hospital bed in the emergency ward. Then, I heard the sound that might haunt me for the rest of my life from the bed beside me. A curtain was separating us, but I knew you were there, the only sense I remember in my shock state. The sound you made with pain in your voice when the doctors or nurses were cleaning your wounds and examining you, it shook my heart, soul, and body with the same resonating waves in pain together with you. And then…

I woke up. I literally jumped upright and woke up. I covered my face with my hands to relief me from shock. And as I was gasping for air, I could feel palpitations in my chest. I took in long, deep breathes to calm myself down. It’s not the first time I’m having this dream. I looked around and realized I was in my university hostel, my roommate still sound asleep. It’s been awhile since this dream came back to haunt me. I took another deep breath and let the frosty cold air freeze my lungs. It’s a cold night and I could hear the rain failing. I felt an aching in my left chest, I wonder if it’s my old injury from that incident or if it’s my heart. I get reminded every time of what happened when my chest hurts like that.  And when I’m sitting in my own car at the left back seat, I touch the back head rest of the seat in front of me, wondering if life would have been different if I never existed.

Then, I ask myself the question: How do you forgive yourself? Even after I made up my mind to… How do you know when you have fully forgiven yourself? Over and over I ask myself but the answer never seems to come.