Realizations

I threw myself on my bed and just lied there. It's way too hot to do anything, and way too stuffy to sleep. My mind started wandering all over the place, so many stuff happened so quickly. Then, I reviewed my life, and I started to think about the people who come and go in my life; people who were important to me and people who are. And the fact that a few important friendships no longer existed, deeply bothered me. After contemplating for awhile, I figured 'I'm leaving soon anyway, why not just see how they're doing before I go even further away from them than I already am.' So I did what I liked doing, I stuck my flat nose into their business and read about the lives they are living.

I got up from bed and turned on my laptop. I first checked the one friend who mattered the most to me, or used to. Empty, no updates whatsoever. Blankly staring at the screen, I was disappointed, but she ain't the type to rant it out on her blog or any social media; I should've known better. I could just message her but... My fear of rejection got the best of me. (In other words, I chickened out. Oh how I hate my cowardly side!) I got angry and frustrated at myself and ended up writing out my disappointments.

I thought I'd go back to bed after that but then, I saw a polarized photograph of me and two of my closest friends. Ah!  The banana gang, there used to be 5 of us! Then I checked this friend who I haven't heard of since after high school. A hundred and forty one posts, forty two new ones, at least new to me. Damn, how did I miss this? Blaming myself internally. I read the first few lines of a post that I haven't read before and realized these were still the times in high school. Oh God, what was I doing to have neglected reading the blog of my first blog buddy? I read this one about her being happy I got my car license, about how we went to gym for the first time together, about how the four people who were the first friends I drove around were the ones she loved the most. I couldn't help but grin wildly at the weird sentences we used to say, a laugh burst out occasionally at the crazy stuff we used to do, and a heart-warming feeling because of the amount of love we used to share.

I eagerly clicked on her next post, yet I never expected what happened next. There was a huge time gap; and halfway through reading a painful impact hit my heart as I realized, there was no more of those fun stuff. No more grinning at the weird us, no more laughing at the crazy stuff, no more heart-warming love. No more, because we never had any of it, any more. It all felt cold as ice. I kept reading and reading and I read every post that I missed. Until the parts where I couldn't even understand what she was saying any more.

My brain was on hyper-drive. Racing back and forth. What the heck was I doing? When did I miss all these things happening in your life? She even came to a point where doctors prescribed sleeping pills to her. I came to the last post, last updated 2 months ago. And then, there was no more. I wished there was more, even if I struggled with reading Chinese, I wished there was more that you've written. More for me to picture just what is happening to you. But there wasn't and I came to a realization that this friendship faded because it was just left aside, to starve and die. Yet everyone would be thinking that friendship shouldn't be so fragile. But that just means I'm playing the blame game, blaming our friendship that it wasn't strong but that is not true. Everything in life, takes a constant effort. My walk with God is too. Every living moment feels like a struggle against what I must to with what I feel like doing. I gave up putting effort into my friendships and they started dying. My head was spinning when I came to this conclusion and I guess it's the scariest thing I realized today.

I wanted to send the both of them a Facebook message. But I was so self-conscious and scared of being rejected. While I was wondering if I should to send it or not, a chat box just suddenly popped up. It was Uncle David, asking of my well-being. Saying that he misses our fellowship. So do I, Uncle David, so do I. He said good night after awhile. Good talking to you again Uncle David. The message I typed for them was still hanging in the typing section. In my heart I prayed, 'Thank God for Uncle David, bless his youthful 70-year-old soul' And I hit send, because I too, missed their fellowship.