Through my anger and frustration, I swallowed and clenched my teeth, hard. I didn't want my anger to burn these young teens because I know how scary my wrath can be, and it scares me, too. I was infuriated by the accumulated things these not so young kids have been doing repeatedly, that they shouldn't be doing at this age.
Selfishness
I am sick and tired just as much as they are, watching the same people practice the same thing over and over again. Yet I still have to watch and pay attention to every single detail I already know as if it's my first time seeing it. If you are bored, fine! Be bored silently. Don't make noise and distract others.
You have not felt the need to go out of your way to serve. Try to stop focusing only on how you feel, think about how others feel.
Not taking me seriously
I know I appear to be not serious, always joking around and having fun. Only because I want all of you to have as much fun as I am serving the Lord. Yet you took that for granted. So I found myself being strict and firm most of the time. Leaving me more exhausted than being crazy and high.
You do not know the seriousness of the situation. Try to imagine you in your leader's shoes. You need to pay more attention to the appropriateness of your jokes.
You saw her as no one. Despite the fact she has Encephalopathy, stays in a hospital more than in school, but still gets results as good as yours. Yet you still can insult someone with such arrogance. Enough to make me, a person who doesn't know this girl, disgusted at you. Yet you see no tinge of humanity in her.
"I don't care. So what? Her problem lah!"
You are young, and full of pride that was never broken. Try to see things in a different perspective. You, my friend, are envious of her.
Force yourself to think, she has a brain condition, how much more hard work she has to put into studying to be as good as me? Force yourself to think, that maybe, underneath all that ugly attitude she has, is it because she no longer trusts people? Force yourself to think, is she just as human as I am?
No matter how many times I try not to snap, I still snapped, at one point.
All I could see was the shock on your faces. A side of me you guys never saw before. Congratulations, "you have awakened the witch." But this is not a game, I won't come charging at you physically but my words did, and you can't kill me. Too bad, sucks to be you. I do acknowledge that my tone was a little harsh, but I meant every word I said. Honor, respect, attentiveness, etc. You guys have so much to work on, but the first amongst these is: a servant's heart. I admit that I also need a lot of polishing myself, but I do hope we are being polished together, not just me.
Yet there is a light at the end of the tunnel.
No matter how tired and annoyed at the situation I am, there's always a tinge of joy in it. I wish you all would enjoy it as much as I do. Despite all your attention span being shorter than 5 minutes, I love leading you all. Because you guys are so raw, so young and wild, I can see improvement in your lives even if it's a little bit. That joy, keeps me going.
"The joy of the Lord is my strength."
I don't only want the task to be done. I want it done properly. I don't only want you to do it, I want you to do it with a willing heart, I want you to enjoy it, and love it. I want the job done, and also want you to grow while getting done. The process is just as important as the finish line.
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