Where am I? What happened? Was it real? I wondered. My whole body was shivering but I was not feeling
cold at all, my legs were numb. I couldn’t think properly, the last half an
hour was a blur to me. A nurse came in and gave me a jab on my waist, the
shivering became a lot more vigorous at the pain of the jab but slowed down
after the fluid ran around my blood stream. Tranquilizers,
I thought to myself. It did its job, I wish it didn't because I was calm but only artificially and the scariest thing was that I could think again. Yes, it did happen. And everything seems
clear now. EVERYTHING.
I went through shock
from the moment I got on the car that was heading to the hospital until now.
And here I am, lying on a hospital bed in the emergency ward. Then, I heard the
sound that might haunt me for the rest of my life from the bed beside me. A
curtain was separating us, but I knew you were there, the only sense I remember
in my shock state. The sound you made with pain in your voice when the doctors
or nurses were cleaning your wounds and examining you, it shook my heart, soul, and
body with the same resonating waves in pain together with you. And then…
I woke up. I literally
jumped upright and woke up. I covered my face with my hands to relief me from shock. And as I was gasping for air, I could feel palpitations
in my chest. I took in long, deep breathes to calm myself down. It’s not the
first time I’m having this dream. I looked around and realized I was in my university
hostel, my roommate still sound asleep. It’s been awhile since this dream came
back to haunt me. I took another deep breath and let the frosty cold air
freeze my lungs. It’s a cold night and I could hear the rain failing. I felt an
aching in my left chest, I wonder if it’s my old injury from that incident or
if it’s my heart. I get reminded every time of what happened when my chest
hurts like that. And when I’m sitting in
my own car at the left back seat, I touch the back head rest of the seat in
front of me, wondering if life would have been different if I never existed.
Then, I ask myself the
question: How do you forgive yourself? Even
after I made up my mind to… How do you know when you have fully forgiven
yourself? Over and over I ask myself but the answer never seems to come.
