Realizations

I threw myself on my bed and just lied there. It's way too hot to do anything, and way too stuffy to sleep. My mind started wandering all over the place, so many stuff happened so quickly. Then, I reviewed my life, and I started to think about the people who come and go in my life; people who were important to me and people who are. And the fact that a few important friendships no longer existed, deeply bothered me. After contemplating for awhile, I figured 'I'm leaving soon anyway, why not just see how they're doing before I go even further away from them than I already am.' So I did what I liked doing, I stuck my flat nose into their business and read about the lives they are living.

I got up from bed and turned on my laptop. I first checked the one friend who mattered the most to me, or used to. Empty, no updates whatsoever. Blankly staring at the screen, I was disappointed, but she ain't the type to rant it out on her blog or any social media; I should've known better. I could just message her but... My fear of rejection got the best of me. (In other words, I chickened out. Oh how I hate my cowardly side!) I got angry and frustrated at myself and ended up writing out my disappointments.

I thought I'd go back to bed after that but then, I saw a polarized photograph of me and two of my closest friends. Ah!  The banana gang, there used to be 5 of us! Then I checked this friend who I haven't heard of since after high school. A hundred and forty one posts, forty two new ones, at least new to me. Damn, how did I miss this? Blaming myself internally. I read the first few lines of a post that I haven't read before and realized these were still the times in high school. Oh God, what was I doing to have neglected reading the blog of my first blog buddy? I read this one about her being happy I got my car license, about how we went to gym for the first time together, about how the four people who were the first friends I drove around were the ones she loved the most. I couldn't help but grin wildly at the weird sentences we used to say, a laugh burst out occasionally at the crazy stuff we used to do, and a heart-warming feeling because of the amount of love we used to share.

I eagerly clicked on her next post, yet I never expected what happened next. There was a huge time gap; and halfway through reading a painful impact hit my heart as I realized, there was no more of those fun stuff. No more grinning at the weird us, no more laughing at the crazy stuff, no more heart-warming love. No more, because we never had any of it, any more. It all felt cold as ice. I kept reading and reading and I read every post that I missed. Until the parts where I couldn't even understand what she was saying any more.

My brain was on hyper-drive. Racing back and forth. What the heck was I doing? When did I miss all these things happening in your life? She even came to a point where doctors prescribed sleeping pills to her. I came to the last post, last updated 2 months ago. And then, there was no more. I wished there was more, even if I struggled with reading Chinese, I wished there was more that you've written. More for me to picture just what is happening to you. But there wasn't and I came to a realization that this friendship faded because it was just left aside, to starve and die. Yet everyone would be thinking that friendship shouldn't be so fragile. But that just means I'm playing the blame game, blaming our friendship that it wasn't strong but that is not true. Everything in life, takes a constant effort. My walk with God is too. Every living moment feels like a struggle against what I must to with what I feel like doing. I gave up putting effort into my friendships and they started dying. My head was spinning when I came to this conclusion and I guess it's the scariest thing I realized today.

I wanted to send the both of them a Facebook message. But I was so self-conscious and scared of being rejected. While I was wondering if I should to send it or not, a chat box just suddenly popped up. It was Uncle David, asking of my well-being. Saying that he misses our fellowship. So do I, Uncle David, so do I. He said good night after awhile. Good talking to you again Uncle David. The message I typed for them was still hanging in the typing section. In my heart I prayed, 'Thank God for Uncle David, bless his youthful 70-year-old soul' And I hit send, because I too, missed their fellowship.

Destroyed

That's it? Our friendship, did it shipwreck? Was our friendship of so many years so fragile? That a tiny crack could gradually grow so big in between us through time. When I did notice that there was a crack, I pretend it wasn't there. Because I was afraid, I was afraid of the problems in your heart. And when I finally had the courage to face it and tried to mend that crack, it was too late, and it never worked. And the dishearten me ignore that fact once again. In the end, the crack just grew and grew, until the point it can no longer be fixed. That was the moment I gave up, and told myself not to be bothered by you, that I should probably give you some time.

Until one day I snapped. I couldn't take it any more. All those hostile glares you give me, the way you frown at my every word and shake your head in a disgusted manner. I had to ask you "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?" Yet in my anger, I felt a deep sadness. Where are the moments we use to have as best friends? Don't you dare tell me they were all a lie. My whole body froze completely after reading your reply. I was just staring at my laptop screen, while my mind started racing, and I was rendered speechless. Just because of some silly mistake I did two years ago? Yet I cannot blame you for being angry at me. Because after all, I made that decision, so I have to be responsible. I knew something wasn't right since last year; you were becoming very emotional and very like someone else. Someone that gave me chills to the bones. Why'd you let such thoughts linger in you? Why didn't you tell me? Why, just why? These words echoed in my mind for a very long time. Even as I continued my daily life, it kept ringing in my mind.

And I came to this conclusion, it is all my fault. I admit it, I avoided you, I ignored you, I distanced myself from you. Because I was so afraid of the person you were becoming. And the selfish me did absolutely nothing to help you, all I ever did was push you away. It is very like your character to keep your anger within you. I remembered asking you, but you never told me it had such an impact on you. Perhaps you never knew, and neither did I.

I guess I can't call it a shipwreck after all. Because a shipwreck is an accident. For this case, I sunk our friendship; destroyed by my own hands.

Passion

One foot after another. Everyday. One foot after another. It feels like counting down the seconds from the beginning of class until the class period ends. It ain't that long but because you are constantly counting and aware of time, it feels like forever. Just walking aimlessly, focusing only on putting one feet in front of another, makes life miserable. Not unless you have a goal. But a lot of times, I doubt that I am getting anywhere near it. It feels so far away. But God is good, He gives me constant reminders of my passion for my goal. 

My goal, my centre, my passion was planted in me when I was 16. I still remember that first day, I was just a lost teenager standing in the doorway of a church childcare centre. It wasn't even my church! Everything felt so foreign to me, especially with my "awesome" sense of directions. The first day is always "blur-blur" day, I was just doing what I was told to do. By the end of that first day, my head was filled with names of the kids I desperately tried to remember, my ears ringing with the high pitch voices of the children, legs tired from squatting down and getting to their level when talking to them, to see it from their angle. I was exhausted, completely. But I felt a sudden excitement to go back again tomorrow. And I did, for 2 weeks. It was the happiest time of my life. Playing with children, teaching them, trying to get them to behave even when some of the kids' characters are so strong you feel like shaking them upside down and throwing them out of the window. Especially this little boy named Matthew Lim, he was only 2 but he was the most stubborn one among them. But guess what? Despite these, I still loved them. I loved their innocences, their blunt honesty, their uncomplicated mind even though they have complicated lives.

All of it sounds amazing, but that fire that has been burning for 3 years, was running out of fuel. Assignments, deadlines, presentations, finals, repeat. I was tired of life, and wondered what does all these have to do with what I want to do. The moment I started doubting my passion because it seemed like such a complicated pathway to go. I am more towards science and mathematics, I should have just done something to do with it. But I just had to love children so much that I have to choose a humanities course, which is a torture to me. 

Yet, I was reminded to persevere. There is a Children's Camp organized in my university every year by Leo Club. And I thought, I am soooo going! The complicated human beings around me has made me so tired. And I missed kids, a lot! This camp's experience is totally different compared to working. Well, because 1. these kids are orphans, and 2. I take care of a kid, one-to-one; instead of taking care of about 10 kids or whoever is in my sight. I never ever in my life that I felt so attached to one kid, of course besides my little cousins. Even though she didn't understand my language, neither did I understand her's, I was attached to her. She understood my gesture and so did I understand her's, there was a strange connection that was created every moment I hold hands with her. By the end of the camp, she cried. I held it in, and while blinking back my tears, I kept repeating "don't cry", "I love you" in her language. And then, the bus left and I finally started tearing up. 

After it was all over, I kept feeling a little hand holding onto mine. But there was none. It was only a habitual feeling. But then, it came back again, my fuel to continue, my love for children and their precious little life. I missed kids, a lot! And I knew it. So my every step brings me closer. Thanks for the reminder, my Old Man.

Thank you Children's Camp, thank you Leo Club, thank you little beloved children. CC10! Hop, hop, shhhhh!

My Heart is Out at Sea (Explained)

This story was written fairly long ago, it was a letter to a friend. Recently, I found it in one corner of my hard drive and thought "Hey! why not post it?"

Read the story here.

And I thought I'll post the explanation too. Most of this was from that letter, some isn't. I took most out of the letter and left some out. And edited it too. Okay, *deep breath* here goes:

Often at times, we feel like the disciples when we are caught in storms. We fight it ourselves at first, then start to panic, then start to worry and cry, and when God comes to help in a form we might not recognize, we call him a ghost?

Well, maybe we should zoom out a bit, when the disciples were in the storm, what was Jesus doing? He was…... Praying? Yeap, that's right! Praying! (v. 23) So, when we’re in the scariest storms, Jesus is interceding for us.

When the storm is the darkest and scariest, He will come to us. Wait, what did I mean by darkest? Well, the fourth watch of night (v. 25) is about 3am? (Since the first watch starts at 6pm and every watch is 3 hours apart.) So it’s kind of like the darkest part of the night or something.

Anyway, He doesn't just come. He comes walking on water! Stepping on all the fears that taunted us. I mean, when you see that God can actually WALK on the WATER, the very thing you were scared of (because in a storm, generally people are scare of the boat capsizing and falling into the sea and drowning), you realized that He has conquered everything and there’s nothing to be afraid of any more!!

And you will feel the need to conquer your fears together with Jesus just as Peter asked to walk on the waters also! Jesus didn't say, “Oh no, you don’t come on the water, it’s for pros like me!” But He said, “Come!” (v. 29) And the best thing is that even if you fail, you can always call out to Him and He’ll catch you! (v. 31)

But wait, why was the disciples in the storm anyway? Well, simply because Jesus sent them (v. 22). They were in the path of the will that God had for them. As long as we are in the will, storms will come but “be of good cheer” and “do not be afraid” (v. 27), because Jesus is always there.

In a conclusion, if we head in the direction that God sent us, storms will definitely come! But be of good cheer because while we fight that storm, Jesus is interceding for us. And when we can no longer fight the storm, He'll come and help us in a form we might not recognize. And when He does, He will crush the fears that once contained us under His feet.

My Heart is Out at Sea

A story from Peter’s perspective based on Matthew 14: 22-31:

I still remember that day as clear as yesterday. The day that I realized, my heart is out at sea:

‘What a day.’ I thought to myself. ‘Did I really see it happen? That Rabbi fed all five thousand people.’ I was still in doubt that my mind might have been playing tricks on me. ‘Rabbi must be very tired. He just hurled us unto the boat without a word and sent us and the crowd away.’ Then, I heard my name.

“Peter! Peter! There’s a storm coming!”

‘A storm? Impossible! How could I, the seasoned fisherman not foresee it?’ True enough, we all got threw into a horrible storm just moments after that thought of mine. Twelve men in a boat being tossed and turn upside down and right side up again.

“Get the buckets! Start scooping the water out of the boat before the boat sinks!”
I shouted on the top of my lungs to whoever that could hear me. The storm just seemed to get worst. I’ve never seen anything like it all my years as a fisherman.

“We’re all going to die!”

I couldn't remember why I was so frighten until I would exclaim such things, but these were the exact words that put us all into doubt, fear, and dismay. Soon, we were all paralysed with it. Not only did this storm drench us to our bones but it has also dampened the spirit within us.

I saw something approaching from the corner of my eye, it was so white, and it was walking on water, what else could it be but a… a… “It is a ghost!” Someone shouted before my brain could tell me so.

“Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” The person called out to us.

‘That voice, oh that familiar voice! How soothing it is to hear that voice’, but the storm got the better of me; ‘the ghost could be pretending to be him’. Those negative thoughts hung all over my mind. With all the courage I could muster, I replied,

“Lord, since it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”

“Come!” He replied.

So I fixed my gaze on him and I did, I stepped out onto the water, never looking away from him. I did it, I was walking on water! ‘It really is Rabbi! I’m walking on water!’ A wave came out of nowhere, threatening to wash me away and before I knew it, I was lost my gaze on Rabbi and I was sinking.

“Lord, save me!” And immediately Rabbi pulled me out of the water.

“You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

That storm, it was crazy, it was intense, it was frightening, and it was intimidating. But I’d do it all over again. If that was what made me see God, I’ll go through it over and over again just to be able to have a glance of God. If being in the oceans and seas where my feet and my physical body may fail me will lead me to see the face of God, I’ll do it over and over and over again. I can surely say, my heart is out at sea.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior."

-Hillsongs, Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)-

Read the explanation here. 

I never knew I could draw

My right hand was sweaty from gripping the mouse too tight, butt aches from sitting down so long, and every joint cracks when I stand up; just to produce drawings like these. These were all made myself with Sketchbook Pro, and with a mouse! Not drawing pad... As you know, or can tell, I blog when I am severely depressed and get totally refreshed and inspired to live again. Same goes to these drawings, I was completely stressed out, and I drew these, and inspired myself.. Great going Jacquelina! *pats my own shoulder*

This is the first drawing I did, and I had to go through many trials and errors.
It took an eternity to complete. But here it is, The Angel.
"I will never forget that there are protectors all around me, to keep me from harm."

I was inspired by Shane Koyczan's poem "To this Day".
And decided to draw this because "I, too, was bullied." 

This was inspired by Tenth Avenue North's song, Struggle.
I didn't understand what it meant at first, but when the revelation came,
I drew out what I understood.
It is also my first time drawing a hand,
and had to learn some basic anatomy to get the ratio right.
"Living everyday is a struggle because of the rat race.
But be glad we are free to struggle,
instead of struggling every moment to be free"

This was a beautiful failure. At first I wanted to draw a piano,
then I accidentally erased it with the soft eraser then I used the bucket to fill the colors back in.
Turns out it makes a very nice cracked effect.
"No matter how broken a vessel we are,
we will always be able to find restoration through worship." 

I was worn. I felt like a soldier, tired from battling life.
And then, I heard this song. Again, by Tenth Avenue north.
The helmet and sword was the hardest to draw,
but after drawing it out, it left me with nothing but satisfaction.
"We will be worn one day, but all that is dead inside, can be reborn"