The Joy of a Promise Fulfilled

There are certain energies little children bring with them. Enthusiasm, excitement, but my favorite among these is that joy they bring to you.

I visit the same house 3 times before this little joy came along. The first time when I was 10, another 2 times when I was 16 and 18. For all these years, every time I visited, the house looks the same, smells the same and everything is functioning the same way, even the daily schedule.

However, after these many years, when I visited again this time, the craziest thing happened. A little girl came along with her parents to pick me up. There were toys everywhere in the house and things were definitely upside down and a little disorientated. But the most obvious difference is the crazy joy that tiny little girl spreads around whenever she walks around that house.

The joy of a promise fulfilled is so wonderful, even if the promise took many years. God is good. 

Some Years Ago

You know how you have like a group on Facebook and you create another just for the people who manage the group? Well, apparently that was what happened for my youth group. We had a group for the Youth Fellowship and also a group for the Youth Fellowship Committees. (We now have a page too but let's not get into that yet)That group was created in January 2012 and the last post was October of the same year. It could be called a dead group, because 6 out of 9 people in that group is no longer in the committee. And we, the committee don't even discuss through that group any more. But the information of 2012 still remains there.

Facebook, you are one sick bank of information.

I accidentally opened that dead group instead of the one I wanted to open today.Because they had the same name besides that it has the word "Committee" at the far far end. So since I was already here and the page has already loaded, thought I'd scroll through, because why not? It's Facebook after all. And as I began to reread every single post and comment and likes and every detail there is to offer, I realized what when wrong. Well, at least where I went wrong. And to be frank, it was a lot of things. 

1. Empty Commitment

It wasn't that I wasn't committed, I just didn't really understand what it meant to be committed at that time. No one clearly explained to me what it was and how to react to it. I was like every other youth, just being committed "only-when-I-have-time". The committee would always have one or two or half missing because of the classic "I-can't-make-it" or "I'm-busy". Yet what I know now about commitment is to either change the time to suit everybody or make yourself free. It took me 3 years to learn that.

2. Empty Enthusiasm

I am a person just pumped with enthusiasm most of the time. And about 2 or 3 years ago my enthusiasm level was infinity. But this was problem? A little enthusiasm can't hurt right? But a lot might. Especially when I am so enthusiastic about something unrealistic. And when someone comes in to do a reality check, it's kind of a bumper. It gives people the impression that it can be done and the person coming in to stop us as the bad guy. But really, they are just more practical to think whether such things are possible before going all "I-fully-support-you".

3. Empty Promises

I hate these, and hate to admit that I, too am guilty of committing what I hate. Many empty promises, many knots left untied, and a burden to the others to clean up the mess. (And I really don't feel like writing about this because I still do make some even now)

4. Empty Efforts
There is a difference between serving God and serving man. Serving man can also mean serving yourself, because you want all the glory and fame and recognition. Serving God is giving him all that glory and fame and recognition. And most of my efforts those few years ago was either to please someone or to satisfy my own thirst for attention.

I continue reading through and finally reached the end of the group posts. So many mistakes, so many information that I don't want to be reminded of. There were many more flaws but the main ones were just these. Can't really believe that it has been so many years of learning and growth, of trying and failing and trying again. And I would totally wish I could go back in time and tell myself what I know now.But this is all wishful thinking and the past will always be the past. Its existence serves a purpose, to remind us of what we have learn throughout the years.

And Anna, you are one awesome person for not deleting that group. *pokes*

Morning Classes

If you asked me, I would want all my classes to be after 12 o'clock, everyday. But if there is one thing (and maybe only this one thing) that I like about morning classes it would be the walk to class.

It is the only time where the sun gives out light that doesn't burn. The time when the wind is chilly and cold but gentle at the same time. The only time where I feel like I just want to stand under the sun and absorb its warmth while the breeze wraps around me. The perfect combination and amount of the coolness from the air and heat from the sun.

God's Ministry

You know that feeling when you are leaving to somewhere and might not come back, there's a worrisome feeling. Not the "what's-going-to-happen-when-I-am-there" feeling. It's the "what's-going-to-happen-here-after-I-leave" feeling, yeap! That's the one. Well, going to America, I always knew it had to happen sooner or later. But what makes me worried most of the time isn't the fear of going there,it's the fear of what I have to leave behind: the youth ministry. Like after I leave who is going to take over? Can Chris handle? After he gets older who's going to take over? Are they...? Will they...? Can they...?

Frankly, I was acting like my grandma, worrying over the same thing over and over again. But actually it ain't a big deal. It took me awhile to realize this. God showed me, or wait... I think it felt more like a slap. And here's how:

So, on August 3, 2014, we had our yearly Youth Sunday. This was the 4th Youth Sunday we had. It is when the youth ministry will take over the whole service, from worship, to chairperson, to ushers, to hospitality, to EVERY SINGLE DETAIL that I never knew existed until Youth Sunday became a thing. Which is good because the youths are the next generation and we should learn these things.

What God did on that day, He showed me how much potential you all had, and I just realized that I underestimated all of you, that I thought highly of myself in a way that I thought the ministry will collapse without me. But God chastised me and told me "Do not think highly of yourself, for this ministry is not your's, but it is God's ministry and it will carry on" If I realized this before Youth Sunday, I don't think I'd understand but after Youth Sunday, I saw how each of the youths filled up the gap that was empty and I realized that even if I leave, that gap will soon be filled up.

So I actually don't have to worry any more. Because the ministry which my blood and sweat was thrown into is in good hands: God's hands.

Meet my slaves! :D and my fake twin 

.

Mustn't forget the overgrown youth who (loves petai very much and)
 always always will give the best advice!

And the blind president who's in charge of liking what he sees, but can he see? O.o

Awesome new bassist dude

This boy ah, too tall for me to say anything dy

Ooh! Brown pants.. :D

The Ng's presence is very obvious... This whole family is half of our group!

I shall never attempt to ask how old you are any more,
because I always think you are still the little girl from Sunday School
And then you remind how old you are and I feel old

The quiet siblings are quite talkative "chair-kids"

Look who dropped by to say hi, happiness overload... :)

Of course not forgetting the awesome pawsome Yeeeeee's

You guys rock! Say "Youth Sunday"

I'm leaving, kthxbai....

Losing Hope

My heart hurts so darn bad. I don't understand. If you hate me, fine. Why is Chris to blame too? What did he ever do to you for you to treat him like how you treat me. I'm angry, I'm sad, I feel like it's the gazillionth time I want to just go up to you and grab you by the shoulders to shake you. My heart hurts because I lost my best friend and made my other best friend lose his best friend too.

He was 13, I was 11 and so were you. 3 naive kids who knew nothing about how things would end up in the future. We knew nothing about love, but we at least knew something about friendship.We grew up together, almost like a family. But why stop forgiving each other now? Why stop putting in the effort to make our friendship last? What snapped you? Just what the hell happen to you?

What you are doing, it's not called moving on. It's called giving up. And I don't want to, but I think I am starting to give up on you too.

"The weird feeling of waking up feeling like you've lost a friend and not being able to mourn because that person is still around."
-Aunty Rachel Tan, 2014-

I am losing hope God, give me some, please.

Teens Nowadays *Roll Eyes*

Through my anger and frustration, I swallowed and clenched my teeth, hard. I didn't want my anger to burn these young teens because I know how scary my wrath can be, and it scares me, too. I was infuriated by the accumulated things these not so young kids have been doing repeatedly, that they shouldn't be doing at this age.

Selfishness

I am sick and tired just as much as they are, watching the same people practice the same thing over and over again. Yet I still have to watch and pay attention to every single detail I already know as if it's my first time seeing it. If you are bored, fine! Be bored silently. Don't make noise and distract others. 

You have not felt the need to go out of your way to serve. Try to stop focusing only on how you feel, think about how others feel. 

Not taking me seriously

I know I appear to be not serious, always joking around and having fun. Only because I want all of you to have as much fun as I am serving the Lord. Yet you took that for granted. So I found myself being strict and firm most of the time. Leaving me more exhausted than being crazy and high.

You do not know the seriousness of the situation. Try to imagine you in your leader's shoes. You need to pay more attention to the appropriateness of your jokes. 

You saw her as no one. Despite the fact she has Encephalopathy, stays in a hospital more than in school, but still gets results as good as yours. Yet you still can insult someone with such arrogance. Enough to make me, a person who doesn't know this girl, disgusted at you. Yet you see no tinge of humanity in her.

"I don't care. So what? Her problem lah!"

You are young, and full of pride that was never broken. Try to see things in a different perspective. You, my friend, are envious of her. 

Force yourself to think, she has a brain condition, how much more hard work she has to put into studying to be as good as me? Force yourself to think, that maybe, underneath all that ugly attitude she has, is it because she no longer trusts people? Force yourself to think, is she just as human as I am?

No matter how many times I try not to snap, I still snapped, at one point. 

All I could see was the shock on your faces. A side of me you guys never saw before. Congratulations, "you have awakened the witch." But this is not a game, I won't come charging at you physically but my words did, and you can't kill me. Too bad, sucks to be you. I do acknowledge that my tone was a little harsh, but I meant every word I said. Honor, respect, attentiveness, etc. You guys have so much to work on, but the first amongst these is: a servant's heart. I admit that I also need a lot of polishing myself, but I do hope we are being polished together, not just me. 

Yet there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

No matter how tired and annoyed at the situation I am, there's always a tinge of joy in it. I wish you all would enjoy it as much as I do. Despite all your attention span being shorter than 5 minutes, I love leading you all. Because you guys are so raw, so young and wild, I can see improvement in your lives even if it's a little bit. That joy, keeps me going. 

"The joy of the Lord is my strength."

I don't only want the task to be done. I want it done properly. I don't only want you to do it, I want you to do it with a willing heart, I want you to enjoy it, and love it. I want the job done, and also want you to grow while getting done. The process is just as important as the finish line. 

Just close the window, how hard can it be?

I saw a new post update, but I was hesitant to read it. I didn't want to read that post because I knew I would only think about it in my exam later. It was 3 hours before my finals, but here I am; on my laptop, doing nonsense stuff. Yet my curious little heart itches with the feeling “I must know, NOW!” Well, simply because the title seems attractive, intriguing and interesting to a busy body like me. 

Good job author of the post! You have captured my interest! (I try not to address anyone directly in my blog unless they have a penname because I might not remember who they are in the future and that’s just sad and depressing)

So with a sigh I closed the window to her blog. Now, back to studying!

Observe

As I watched the 78 year old lady walk out of her room to the chair in the living room with much difficulty. I saw how she struggled with each step, taking in deep breathes all the time, holding tightly to her dear grandchild’s hand. This old lady is fighting liver cancer. No words can comfort this tormented soul. Her skin was yellow from all the toxic waste that can’t be released from her body, her legs were shaking in pain, her breathing short and fast, her face distorted with the pain she’s feeling all at once. As I turned to face my friend, I could see her eyes staring at her grandmother with type of sadness and hopelessness, that I would call it grief.

 I saw through the glass of the isolation ward the face of a close friend filled with boils on the left side of his face as he lifted himself up from his bed to sit up and welcome us. I saw how he struggled to eat and swallow his food, how he couldn't move his lips and flinched a little if he did, how he keep wiping his eye that tears up so much because of the infection. I saw his mother, all teary while talking to me, although his brother told me she’s always teary, they were still tears of a worried mother.

I saw the way my friend looked at me with something different in her eyes that morning and immediate I recognized it, something happened. I found out later that her mother was in the hospital and I remembered what those eyes told me: urgency, worry, distress. But not close enough to grief, because no one died. And I sure hope not.

It’s a season of pain and grief for the people around me, but not for me. I've been through pain and grief before, but for me, it’s a season of watching it happen around me. It’s different, going through it, and observing it. I was never an observant person, but I'm getting better at it, I think.

The expression of a mother, whose son is in the hospital, is the same with the expression of someone around my age whose mother is in the hospital. They look the same. All I see is fear, distress, worry. The expression is the same but on a micro level, there are differences. And I pray that they and the one they unwell will be alright.

The expression of someone around my age with boils all over his face is the same with the expression of an old lady fighting liver cancer. They looked the same in a way that I could see the way they flinch when it hurts, the way their eyes silently question “why is this happening to me?” Pain looks the same but it feels different. When their eyes meet mine, I realize, no words can comfort them. And I’ll just silently pray for the one in pain.

My close friend with boils on his face, he’s getting better.

My friend’s mother, she’s alright now from what I heard.

But the old lady with liver cancer, she passed away yesterday; my condolences to the family.

The thing about pain is everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. All the others can do is sympathize.

The thing about grief is that you have to go through it, stage by stage, no shortcuts. All everyone else can do is comfort, silently, without words. 

Realizations

I threw myself on my bed and just lied there. It's way too hot to do anything, and way too stuffy to sleep. My mind started wandering all over the place, so many stuff happened so quickly. Then, I reviewed my life, and I started to think about the people who come and go in my life; people who were important to me and people who are. And the fact that a few important friendships no longer existed, deeply bothered me. After contemplating for awhile, I figured 'I'm leaving soon anyway, why not just see how they're doing before I go even further away from them than I already am.' So I did what I liked doing, I stuck my flat nose into their business and read about the lives they are living.

I got up from bed and turned on my laptop. I first checked the one friend who mattered the most to me, or used to. Empty, no updates whatsoever. Blankly staring at the screen, I was disappointed, but she ain't the type to rant it out on her blog or any social media; I should've known better. I could just message her but... My fear of rejection got the best of me. (In other words, I chickened out. Oh how I hate my cowardly side!) I got angry and frustrated at myself and ended up writing out my disappointments.

I thought I'd go back to bed after that but then, I saw a polarized photograph of me and two of my closest friends. Ah!  The banana gang, there used to be 5 of us! Then I checked this friend who I haven't heard of since after high school. A hundred and forty one posts, forty two new ones, at least new to me. Damn, how did I miss this? Blaming myself internally. I read the first few lines of a post that I haven't read before and realized these were still the times in high school. Oh God, what was I doing to have neglected reading the blog of my first blog buddy? I read this one about her being happy I got my car license, about how we went to gym for the first time together, about how the four people who were the first friends I drove around were the ones she loved the most. I couldn't help but grin wildly at the weird sentences we used to say, a laugh burst out occasionally at the crazy stuff we used to do, and a heart-warming feeling because of the amount of love we used to share.

I eagerly clicked on her next post, yet I never expected what happened next. There was a huge time gap; and halfway through reading a painful impact hit my heart as I realized, there was no more of those fun stuff. No more grinning at the weird us, no more laughing at the crazy stuff, no more heart-warming love. No more, because we never had any of it, any more. It all felt cold as ice. I kept reading and reading and I read every post that I missed. Until the parts where I couldn't even understand what she was saying any more.

My brain was on hyper-drive. Racing back and forth. What the heck was I doing? When did I miss all these things happening in your life? She even came to a point where doctors prescribed sleeping pills to her. I came to the last post, last updated 2 months ago. And then, there was no more. I wished there was more, even if I struggled with reading Chinese, I wished there was more that you've written. More for me to picture just what is happening to you. But there wasn't and I came to a realization that this friendship faded because it was just left aside, to starve and die. Yet everyone would be thinking that friendship shouldn't be so fragile. But that just means I'm playing the blame game, blaming our friendship that it wasn't strong but that is not true. Everything in life, takes a constant effort. My walk with God is too. Every living moment feels like a struggle against what I must to with what I feel like doing. I gave up putting effort into my friendships and they started dying. My head was spinning when I came to this conclusion and I guess it's the scariest thing I realized today.

I wanted to send the both of them a Facebook message. But I was so self-conscious and scared of being rejected. While I was wondering if I should to send it or not, a chat box just suddenly popped up. It was Uncle David, asking of my well-being. Saying that he misses our fellowship. So do I, Uncle David, so do I. He said good night after awhile. Good talking to you again Uncle David. The message I typed for them was still hanging in the typing section. In my heart I prayed, 'Thank God for Uncle David, bless his youthful 70-year-old soul' And I hit send, because I too, missed their fellowship.

Destroyed

That's it? Our friendship, did it shipwreck? Was our friendship of so many years so fragile? That a tiny crack could gradually grow so big in between us through time. When I did notice that there was a crack, I pretend it wasn't there. Because I was afraid, I was afraid of the problems in your heart. And when I finally had the courage to face it and tried to mend that crack, it was too late, and it never worked. And the dishearten me ignore that fact once again. In the end, the crack just grew and grew, until the point it can no longer be fixed. That was the moment I gave up, and told myself not to be bothered by you, that I should probably give you some time.

Until one day I snapped. I couldn't take it any more. All those hostile glares you give me, the way you frown at my every word and shake your head in a disgusted manner. I had to ask you "WHAT THE HECK HAPPENED TO YOU?" Yet in my anger, I felt a deep sadness. Where are the moments we use to have as best friends? Don't you dare tell me they were all a lie. My whole body froze completely after reading your reply. I was just staring at my laptop screen, while my mind started racing, and I was rendered speechless. Just because of some silly mistake I did two years ago? Yet I cannot blame you for being angry at me. Because after all, I made that decision, so I have to be responsible. I knew something wasn't right since last year; you were becoming very emotional and very like someone else. Someone that gave me chills to the bones. Why'd you let such thoughts linger in you? Why didn't you tell me? Why, just why? These words echoed in my mind for a very long time. Even as I continued my daily life, it kept ringing in my mind.

And I came to this conclusion, it is all my fault. I admit it, I avoided you, I ignored you, I distanced myself from you. Because I was so afraid of the person you were becoming. And the selfish me did absolutely nothing to help you, all I ever did was push you away. It is very like your character to keep your anger within you. I remembered asking you, but you never told me it had such an impact on you. Perhaps you never knew, and neither did I.

I guess I can't call it a shipwreck after all. Because a shipwreck is an accident. For this case, I sunk our friendship; destroyed by my own hands.

Passion

One foot after another. Everyday. One foot after another. It feels like counting down the seconds from the beginning of class until the class period ends. It ain't that long but because you are constantly counting and aware of time, it feels like forever. Just walking aimlessly, focusing only on putting one feet in front of another, makes life miserable. Not unless you have a goal. But a lot of times, I doubt that I am getting anywhere near it. It feels so far away. But God is good, He gives me constant reminders of my passion for my goal. 

My goal, my centre, my passion was planted in me when I was 16. I still remember that first day, I was just a lost teenager standing in the doorway of a church childcare centre. It wasn't even my church! Everything felt so foreign to me, especially with my "awesome" sense of directions. The first day is always "blur-blur" day, I was just doing what I was told to do. By the end of that first day, my head was filled with names of the kids I desperately tried to remember, my ears ringing with the high pitch voices of the children, legs tired from squatting down and getting to their level when talking to them, to see it from their angle. I was exhausted, completely. But I felt a sudden excitement to go back again tomorrow. And I did, for 2 weeks. It was the happiest time of my life. Playing with children, teaching them, trying to get them to behave even when some of the kids' characters are so strong you feel like shaking them upside down and throwing them out of the window. Especially this little boy named Matthew Lim, he was only 2 but he was the most stubborn one among them. But guess what? Despite these, I still loved them. I loved their innocences, their blunt honesty, their uncomplicated mind even though they have complicated lives.

All of it sounds amazing, but that fire that has been burning for 3 years, was running out of fuel. Assignments, deadlines, presentations, finals, repeat. I was tired of life, and wondered what does all these have to do with what I want to do. The moment I started doubting my passion because it seemed like such a complicated pathway to go. I am more towards science and mathematics, I should have just done something to do with it. But I just had to love children so much that I have to choose a humanities course, which is a torture to me. 

Yet, I was reminded to persevere. There is a Children's Camp organized in my university every year by Leo Club. And I thought, I am soooo going! The complicated human beings around me has made me so tired. And I missed kids, a lot! This camp's experience is totally different compared to working. Well, because 1. these kids are orphans, and 2. I take care of a kid, one-to-one; instead of taking care of about 10 kids or whoever is in my sight. I never ever in my life that I felt so attached to one kid, of course besides my little cousins. Even though she didn't understand my language, neither did I understand her's, I was attached to her. She understood my gesture and so did I understand her's, there was a strange connection that was created every moment I hold hands with her. By the end of the camp, she cried. I held it in, and while blinking back my tears, I kept repeating "don't cry", "I love you" in her language. And then, the bus left and I finally started tearing up. 

After it was all over, I kept feeling a little hand holding onto mine. But there was none. It was only a habitual feeling. But then, it came back again, my fuel to continue, my love for children and their precious little life. I missed kids, a lot! And I knew it. So my every step brings me closer. Thanks for the reminder, my Old Man.

Thank you Children's Camp, thank you Leo Club, thank you little beloved children. CC10! Hop, hop, shhhhh!

My Heart is Out at Sea (Explained)

This story was written fairly long ago, it was a letter to a friend. Recently, I found it in one corner of my hard drive and thought "Hey! why not post it?"

Read the story here.

And I thought I'll post the explanation too. Most of this was from that letter, some isn't. I took most out of the letter and left some out. And edited it too. Okay, *deep breath* here goes:

Often at times, we feel like the disciples when we are caught in storms. We fight it ourselves at first, then start to panic, then start to worry and cry, and when God comes to help in a form we might not recognize, we call him a ghost?

Well, maybe we should zoom out a bit, when the disciples were in the storm, what was Jesus doing? He was…... Praying? Yeap, that's right! Praying! (v. 23) So, when we’re in the scariest storms, Jesus is interceding for us.

When the storm is the darkest and scariest, He will come to us. Wait, what did I mean by darkest? Well, the fourth watch of night (v. 25) is about 3am? (Since the first watch starts at 6pm and every watch is 3 hours apart.) So it’s kind of like the darkest part of the night or something.

Anyway, He doesn't just come. He comes walking on water! Stepping on all the fears that taunted us. I mean, when you see that God can actually WALK on the WATER, the very thing you were scared of (because in a storm, generally people are scare of the boat capsizing and falling into the sea and drowning), you realized that He has conquered everything and there’s nothing to be afraid of any more!!

And you will feel the need to conquer your fears together with Jesus just as Peter asked to walk on the waters also! Jesus didn't say, “Oh no, you don’t come on the water, it’s for pros like me!” But He said, “Come!” (v. 29) And the best thing is that even if you fail, you can always call out to Him and He’ll catch you! (v. 31)

But wait, why was the disciples in the storm anyway? Well, simply because Jesus sent them (v. 22). They were in the path of the will that God had for them. As long as we are in the will, storms will come but “be of good cheer” and “do not be afraid” (v. 27), because Jesus is always there.

In a conclusion, if we head in the direction that God sent us, storms will definitely come! But be of good cheer because while we fight that storm, Jesus is interceding for us. And when we can no longer fight the storm, He'll come and help us in a form we might not recognize. And when He does, He will crush the fears that once contained us under His feet.

My Heart is Out at Sea

A story from Peter’s perspective based on Matthew 14: 22-31:

I still remember that day as clear as yesterday. The day that I realized, my heart is out at sea:

‘What a day.’ I thought to myself. ‘Did I really see it happen? That Rabbi fed all five thousand people.’ I was still in doubt that my mind might have been playing tricks on me. ‘Rabbi must be very tired. He just hurled us unto the boat without a word and sent us and the crowd away.’ Then, I heard my name.

“Peter! Peter! There’s a storm coming!”

‘A storm? Impossible! How could I, the seasoned fisherman not foresee it?’ True enough, we all got threw into a horrible storm just moments after that thought of mine. Twelve men in a boat being tossed and turn upside down and right side up again.

“Get the buckets! Start scooping the water out of the boat before the boat sinks!”
I shouted on the top of my lungs to whoever that could hear me. The storm just seemed to get worst. I’ve never seen anything like it all my years as a fisherman.

“We’re all going to die!”

I couldn't remember why I was so frighten until I would exclaim such things, but these were the exact words that put us all into doubt, fear, and dismay. Soon, we were all paralysed with it. Not only did this storm drench us to our bones but it has also dampened the spirit within us.

I saw something approaching from the corner of my eye, it was so white, and it was walking on water, what else could it be but a… a… “It is a ghost!” Someone shouted before my brain could tell me so.

“Take courage, it is I; do not be afraid.” The person called out to us.

‘That voice, oh that familiar voice! How soothing it is to hear that voice’, but the storm got the better of me; ‘the ghost could be pretending to be him’. Those negative thoughts hung all over my mind. With all the courage I could muster, I replied,

“Lord, since it is You, command me to come to You on the water.”

“Come!” He replied.

So I fixed my gaze on him and I did, I stepped out onto the water, never looking away from him. I did it, I was walking on water! ‘It really is Rabbi! I’m walking on water!’ A wave came out of nowhere, threatening to wash me away and before I knew it, I was lost my gaze on Rabbi and I was sinking.

“Lord, save me!” And immediately Rabbi pulled me out of the water.

“You of little faith, why did you doubt?”

That storm, it was crazy, it was intense, it was frightening, and it was intimidating. But I’d do it all over again. If that was what made me see God, I’ll go through it over and over again just to be able to have a glance of God. If being in the oceans and seas where my feet and my physical body may fail me will lead me to see the face of God, I’ll do it over and over and over again. I can surely say, my heart is out at sea.

"Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders

Let me walk upon the waters

Wherever You would call me

Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander

And my faith will be made stronger

In the presence of my Savior."

-Hillsongs, Oceans (Where Feet May Fail)-

Read the explanation here. 

I never knew I could draw

My right hand was sweaty from gripping the mouse too tight, butt aches from sitting down so long, and every joint cracks when I stand up; just to produce drawings like these. These were all made myself with Sketchbook Pro, and with a mouse! Not drawing pad... As you know, or can tell, I blog when I am severely depressed and get totally refreshed and inspired to live again. Same goes to these drawings, I was completely stressed out, and I drew these, and inspired myself.. Great going Jacquelina! *pats my own shoulder*

This is the first drawing I did, and I had to go through many trials and errors.
It took an eternity to complete. But here it is, The Angel.
"I will never forget that there are protectors all around me, to keep me from harm."

I was inspired by Shane Koyczan's poem "To this Day".
And decided to draw this because "I, too, was bullied." 

This was inspired by Tenth Avenue North's song, Struggle.
I didn't understand what it meant at first, but when the revelation came,
I drew out what I understood.
It is also my first time drawing a hand,
and had to learn some basic anatomy to get the ratio right.
"Living everyday is a struggle because of the rat race.
But be glad we are free to struggle,
instead of struggling every moment to be free"

This was a beautiful failure. At first I wanted to draw a piano,
then I accidentally erased it with the soft eraser then I used the bucket to fill the colors back in.
Turns out it makes a very nice cracked effect.
"No matter how broken a vessel we are,
we will always be able to find restoration through worship." 

I was worn. I felt like a soldier, tired from battling life.
And then, I heard this song. Again, by Tenth Avenue north.
The helmet and sword was the hardest to draw,
but after drawing it out, it left me with nothing but satisfaction.
"We will be worn one day, but all that is dead inside, can be reborn"

Forgiven?

Where am I? What happened? Was it real? I wondered. My whole body was shivering but I was not feeling cold at all, my legs were numb. I couldn’t think properly, the last half an hour was a blur to me. A nurse came in and gave me a jab on my waist, the shivering became a lot more vigorous at the pain of the jab but slowed down after the fluid ran around my blood stream. Tranquilizers, I thought to myself. It did its job, I wish it didn't because I was calm but only artificially and the scariest thing was that I could think again. Yes, it did happen. And everything seems clear now. EVERYTHING.

I went through shock from the moment I got on the car that was heading to the hospital until now. And here I am, lying on a hospital bed in the emergency ward. Then, I heard the sound that might haunt me for the rest of my life from the bed beside me. A curtain was separating us, but I knew you were there, the only sense I remember in my shock state. The sound you made with pain in your voice when the doctors or nurses were cleaning your wounds and examining you, it shook my heart, soul, and body with the same resonating waves in pain together with you. And then…

I woke up. I literally jumped upright and woke up. I covered my face with my hands to relief me from shock. And as I was gasping for air, I could feel palpitations in my chest. I took in long, deep breathes to calm myself down. It’s not the first time I’m having this dream. I looked around and realized I was in my university hostel, my roommate still sound asleep. It’s been awhile since this dream came back to haunt me. I took another deep breath and let the frosty cold air freeze my lungs. It’s a cold night and I could hear the rain failing. I felt an aching in my left chest, I wonder if it’s my old injury from that incident or if it’s my heart. I get reminded every time of what happened when my chest hurts like that.  And when I’m sitting in my own car at the left back seat, I touch the back head rest of the seat in front of me, wondering if life would have been different if I never existed.

Then, I ask myself the question: How do you forgive yourself? Even after I made up my mind to… How do you know when you have fully forgiven yourself? Over and over I ask myself but the answer never seems to come. 

The Diminishers

There are always those people in life who, no matter how well you treat them, they feel like you owe them everything in the world. 
There are always those people in life who, no matter how hard you try, will always, always, always, tear all your efforts down with just a sentence, within seconds. These people are those that we hate, A LOT. They are what I call the "Diminishers" in life. 

Every single time, they just break you down, coldly; without even a second thought. Not even realizing it themselves. "Your problems are not problems, only my problems are real problems" might not be what they say literally but their actions says it all. They are like narcissists, but worse: to boast themselves up, they push you further down. They step on you so hard, yet you let them. They make you feel worthless and make you think that there is nothing you can do without them. 

Broken down, torn apart, bleeding wounds. You try to smile and say it's okay, to others and to yourself. But really, is it really okay? Every time they do the same thing over and over and over again, you feel the pain starting again. Not like putting salt on wounds, because even though salt makes your wounds hurt like hell, it helps in healing despite the pain. No, it's not like putting salt on wounds. Far worse, it is like cutting open a wound that has yet to be healed, and driving the knife deeper and deeper, every, single, time. It gets harder and harder to heal. 

When you've had enough, and the volcano is on the verge of erupting. You scream inside of you, your words in my head, your knives in my heart. I had enough! You just can't take it any more. You want to run, you want to hide, you just want to disappear from their sight. You want to scream and shout in their faces, you want to give them two tight slaps. 

BUT.... You stop, breathe, and kneel. With tears in your eyes, you plea. 

"Oh God, I can't... I can't take it any more. How do I love someone who just breaks me down, and tears me apart? All I see is my good efforts going to waste. What use is there to do good any more?" 

"So let's not get tired of doing what is good. At just the right time we will reap a harvest of blessing if we don't give up." 
-Ephesians 6:9- 

“But I say to you who hear: Love your enemies, do good to those who hate you." 
-Luke 6:27-