God's Ministry

You know that feeling when you are leaving to somewhere and might not come back, there's a worrisome feeling. Not the "what's-going-to-happen-when-I-am-there" feeling. It's the "what's-going-to-happen-here-after-I-leave" feeling, yeap! That's the one. Well, going to America, I always knew it had to happen sooner or later. But what makes me worried most of the time isn't the fear of going there,it's the fear of what I have to leave behind: the youth ministry. Like after I leave who is going to take over? Can Chris handle? After he gets older who's going to take over? Are they...? Will they...? Can they...?

Frankly, I was acting like my grandma, worrying over the same thing over and over again. But actually it ain't a big deal. It took me awhile to realize this. God showed me, or wait... I think it felt more like a slap. And here's how:

So, on August 3, 2014, we had our yearly Youth Sunday. This was the 4th Youth Sunday we had. It is when the youth ministry will take over the whole service, from worship, to chairperson, to ushers, to hospitality, to EVERY SINGLE DETAIL that I never knew existed until Youth Sunday became a thing. Which is good because the youths are the next generation and we should learn these things.

What God did on that day, He showed me how much potential you all had, and I just realized that I underestimated all of you, that I thought highly of myself in a way that I thought the ministry will collapse without me. But God chastised me and told me "Do not think highly of yourself, for this ministry is not your's, but it is God's ministry and it will carry on" If I realized this before Youth Sunday, I don't think I'd understand but after Youth Sunday, I saw how each of the youths filled up the gap that was empty and I realized that even if I leave, that gap will soon be filled up.

So I actually don't have to worry any more. Because the ministry which my blood and sweat was thrown into is in good hands: God's hands.

Meet my slaves! :D and my fake twin 

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Mustn't forget the overgrown youth who (loves petai very much and)
 always always will give the best advice!

And the blind president who's in charge of liking what he sees, but can he see? O.o

Awesome new bassist dude

This boy ah, too tall for me to say anything dy

Ooh! Brown pants.. :D

The Ng's presence is very obvious... This whole family is half of our group!

I shall never attempt to ask how old you are any more,
because I always think you are still the little girl from Sunday School
And then you remind how old you are and I feel old

The quiet siblings are quite talkative "chair-kids"

Look who dropped by to say hi, happiness overload... :)

Of course not forgetting the awesome pawsome Yeeeeee's

You guys rock! Say "Youth Sunday"

I'm leaving, kthxbai....

Losing Hope

My heart hurts so darn bad. I don't understand. If you hate me, fine. Why is Chris to blame too? What did he ever do to you for you to treat him like how you treat me. I'm angry, I'm sad, I feel like it's the gazillionth time I want to just go up to you and grab you by the shoulders to shake you. My heart hurts because I lost my best friend and made my other best friend lose his best friend too.

He was 13, I was 11 and so were you. 3 naive kids who knew nothing about how things would end up in the future. We knew nothing about love, but we at least knew something about friendship.We grew up together, almost like a family. But why stop forgiving each other now? Why stop putting in the effort to make our friendship last? What snapped you? Just what the hell happen to you?

What you are doing, it's not called moving on. It's called giving up. And I don't want to, but I think I am starting to give up on you too.

"The weird feeling of waking up feeling like you've lost a friend and not being able to mourn because that person is still around."
-Aunty Rachel Tan, 2014-

I am losing hope God, give me some, please.

Teens Nowadays *Roll Eyes*

Through my anger and frustration, I swallowed and clenched my teeth, hard. I didn't want my anger to burn these young teens because I know how scary my wrath can be, and it scares me, too. I was infuriated by the accumulated things these not so young kids have been doing repeatedly, that they shouldn't be doing at this age.

Selfishness

I am sick and tired just as much as they are, watching the same people practice the same thing over and over again. Yet I still have to watch and pay attention to every single detail I already know as if it's my first time seeing it. If you are bored, fine! Be bored silently. Don't make noise and distract others. 

You have not felt the need to go out of your way to serve. Try to stop focusing only on how you feel, think about how others feel. 

Not taking me seriously

I know I appear to be not serious, always joking around and having fun. Only because I want all of you to have as much fun as I am serving the Lord. Yet you took that for granted. So I found myself being strict and firm most of the time. Leaving me more exhausted than being crazy and high.

You do not know the seriousness of the situation. Try to imagine you in your leader's shoes. You need to pay more attention to the appropriateness of your jokes. 

You saw her as no one. Despite the fact she has Encephalopathy, stays in a hospital more than in school, but still gets results as good as yours. Yet you still can insult someone with such arrogance. Enough to make me, a person who doesn't know this girl, disgusted at you. Yet you see no tinge of humanity in her.

"I don't care. So what? Her problem lah!"

You are young, and full of pride that was never broken. Try to see things in a different perspective. You, my friend, are envious of her. 

Force yourself to think, she has a brain condition, how much more hard work she has to put into studying to be as good as me? Force yourself to think, that maybe, underneath all that ugly attitude she has, is it because she no longer trusts people? Force yourself to think, is she just as human as I am?

No matter how many times I try not to snap, I still snapped, at one point. 

All I could see was the shock on your faces. A side of me you guys never saw before. Congratulations, "you have awakened the witch." But this is not a game, I won't come charging at you physically but my words did, and you can't kill me. Too bad, sucks to be you. I do acknowledge that my tone was a little harsh, but I meant every word I said. Honor, respect, attentiveness, etc. You guys have so much to work on, but the first amongst these is: a servant's heart. I admit that I also need a lot of polishing myself, but I do hope we are being polished together, not just me. 

Yet there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

No matter how tired and annoyed at the situation I am, there's always a tinge of joy in it. I wish you all would enjoy it as much as I do. Despite all your attention span being shorter than 5 minutes, I love leading you all. Because you guys are so raw, so young and wild, I can see improvement in your lives even if it's a little bit. That joy, keeps me going. 

"The joy of the Lord is my strength."

I don't only want the task to be done. I want it done properly. I don't only want you to do it, I want you to do it with a willing heart, I want you to enjoy it, and love it. I want the job done, and also want you to grow while getting done. The process is just as important as the finish line. 

Just close the window, how hard can it be?

I saw a new post update, but I was hesitant to read it. I didn't want to read that post because I knew I would only think about it in my exam later. It was 3 hours before my finals, but here I am; on my laptop, doing nonsense stuff. Yet my curious little heart itches with the feeling “I must know, NOW!” Well, simply because the title seems attractive, intriguing and interesting to a busy body like me. 

Good job author of the post! You have captured my interest! (I try not to address anyone directly in my blog unless they have a penname because I might not remember who they are in the future and that’s just sad and depressing)

So with a sigh I closed the window to her blog. Now, back to studying!

Observe

As I watched the 78 year old lady walk out of her room to the chair in the living room with much difficulty. I saw how she struggled with each step, taking in deep breathes all the time, holding tightly to her dear grandchild’s hand. This old lady is fighting liver cancer. No words can comfort this tormented soul. Her skin was yellow from all the toxic waste that can’t be released from her body, her legs were shaking in pain, her breathing short and fast, her face distorted with the pain she’s feeling all at once. As I turned to face my friend, I could see her eyes staring at her grandmother with type of sadness and hopelessness, that I would call it grief.

 I saw through the glass of the isolation ward the face of a close friend filled with boils on the left side of his face as he lifted himself up from his bed to sit up and welcome us. I saw how he struggled to eat and swallow his food, how he couldn't move his lips and flinched a little if he did, how he keep wiping his eye that tears up so much because of the infection. I saw his mother, all teary while talking to me, although his brother told me she’s always teary, they were still tears of a worried mother.

I saw the way my friend looked at me with something different in her eyes that morning and immediate I recognized it, something happened. I found out later that her mother was in the hospital and I remembered what those eyes told me: urgency, worry, distress. But not close enough to grief, because no one died. And I sure hope not.

It’s a season of pain and grief for the people around me, but not for me. I've been through pain and grief before, but for me, it’s a season of watching it happen around me. It’s different, going through it, and observing it. I was never an observant person, but I'm getting better at it, I think.

The expression of a mother, whose son is in the hospital, is the same with the expression of someone around my age whose mother is in the hospital. They look the same. All I see is fear, distress, worry. The expression is the same but on a micro level, there are differences. And I pray that they and the one they unwell will be alright.

The expression of someone around my age with boils all over his face is the same with the expression of an old lady fighting liver cancer. They looked the same in a way that I could see the way they flinch when it hurts, the way their eyes silently question “why is this happening to me?” Pain looks the same but it feels different. When their eyes meet mine, I realize, no words can comfort them. And I’ll just silently pray for the one in pain.

My close friend with boils on his face, he’s getting better.

My friend’s mother, she’s alright now from what I heard.

But the old lady with liver cancer, she passed away yesterday; my condolences to the family.

The thing about pain is everyone can see it, but only you can feel it. All the others can do is sympathize.

The thing about grief is that you have to go through it, stage by stage, no shortcuts. All everyone else can do is comfort, silently, without words.